You Have A Right To Choose.

I’ve always heard of “giving the cold shoulder” but I never knew that one day I would choose to do so to a person who is supposed to be so important in my life. But that’s the thing, sometimes what’s supposed to be isn’t necessarily what is. How unfortunate. But sometimes that’s just life.

I don’t normally like to put such personal information on the internet – my Facebook and Instagram are full of daily photos but none of them hold anything too personal. However, this topic is something that has been on my mind for majority of my life and at the moment I don’t see a stopping point in my near future. This (okay, I’m being too vague here. Give me a minute.) is something that only I have control over. It is my decision to continue walking away or turn around and walk down the same rickety path. For the umpteenth time.

Judge me and my life by this blog and see how much I really care. Everyone has issues – different issues. Nobody is perfect. (This is the point where you choose to keep reading or not.)

A lot of people know that I grew up with a divorced family. I lived with my mom and siblings and would go to my dad’s place, wherever that was at the time, every other weekend. Well, it was more like some weekends. Whenever he had the “time.” But not everyone knows THAT. My parents divorced when I was 5. I didn’t really understand what was going on at the time but as I got older I started to put the pieces together – the puzzle became easier and easier. Mom and dad will never be together again. When I was 5 I thought the whole weekend thing was fine. It was kind of like, “Okay, dad has his space and mom has her space. I live with mom because she’s the mom. I get it.” When I got older, into middle school or so, I began to realize that my parent’s weren’t divorced because they wanted their own space; they weren’t meant for each other. My mom had her goals and my dad had his very different goals. Sounds simple, right? There’s more. Just before I started high school I figured out, with a little help of the man himself, that my dad has a drinking problem. I was so upset. He was sent to detox for quite a while and when he got back, I was under the impression that we would be a happy, still separate, family again. I suppose we were even though visits remained irregular. But that was the norm.

When I got to college everything was “normal.” By normal I guess I mean going well – he wasn’t drinking, we had a good father/daughter relationship, and that all that really mattered to me. I thought, “This is it! There is nowhere to go but up.” But boy, was I wrong. The alcohol eventually came back and communication became less frequent. After an awkward Christmas of the same old, “I’m sorry. This is the last time” speech, I was getting fed up. Why is it that something, a liquid, could be more important than your mother, your children, or even your ex-wife? This is where the puzzle pieces REALLY began to fit into place. My father had an addiction. An addiction that made his “goals” partying and drinking with his friends. Not to care for his wife (when they were married), his children/step-children, or even respect his own mother/family.

The end of college was the breaking point for me. No, literally. Graduation day was the day I decided I’ve had it with the broken promises and lies. We had very minimal communication because of his phone, or lack there of/care to contact me when said phone worked. This resulted in graduation invites not being sent to him. (How am I supposed to contact someone who falls off the face of the earth so frequently?) I was cursed out and told that I think that I’m better than everyone. BY MY OWN FATHER. Who has done nothing but break promises and choose substances and other people over myself and his other children. Why should I allow that to happen? Well, I didn’t. The last thing I said to him was, “Do not do this to me. Not today. I do not deserve this.” And that was that. From that moment on I have not responded to him. I get frequent text messages saying “I miss you,” or “I love you.” I have never once received a message saying, “I’m sorry.” Nor have I responded. He hasn’t even tried calling. In all honesty, I don’t think I would even answer if he gave me the time of day to call.

DETOUR: I AM NOT WRITING THIS FOR SYMPATHY. THERE IS SOMETHING BENEFICIAL THAT WILL COME FROM THIS. I PROMISE.

Growing up I was taught to honor my father and mother. A classic rule from like, forever ago. (Yes, the Ten Commandments. Religious or not, that’s a very important life lesson.)

99% of the time that I actually do receive messages from my dad, I feel an overwhelming sensation of guilt and find myself wondering, “Do I text him back? After all, he is my dad.” But then I start thinking deeper and ask myself whether or not he deserves it. It’s been almost five months since our last interaction and I can’t let go of what happened. Is this wrong? Am I holding too much of a grudge? Seriously, this is a situation that only I can choose what is right. But what if my idea of right is wrong? It’s possible.

All I’ve wanted, from age 5 until I was probably 18, was a close relationship with my dad, for his alcoholism to vanish, and most of all, for him to apologize to my mother. And really mean it when he says it. Furthermore, an apology to the rest of the individuals who have been hurt by his addiction. These are only possible if HE really wants it.

A person who wants the best for themself will achieve just that. They have to want it, be driven and committed to achievement. Living a happy, healthy life sounds so much simpler than being lonely 24/7.

Everybody is driven in some way and we’re all driven to accomplish different tasks throughout the course of our lives. There are always going to be bumps in the road. It is very important to remember that those bumps are not mountains and no bump is the exact same size as another. We can all conquer the bumps if we try hard enough. There is no better feeling than getting over each and every bump!

My current “bump” of what to do/how to deal with the relationship with my father certainly FEELS like a mountain. I want nothing more than to be happy with my decision but the “what ifs” are far from comforting. How is one to completely give up on their parent, whether they’ve been a prominent role in life or not? I’ve learned that the decision is totally mine. Sure, I can ask for advice from others, but I’m the one who has to live with my conscious.

For now, I’m choosing to stick to the cold shoulder. Why give in to someone who hasn’t proven to care about others for 20+ years and doesn’t know how to apologize. My mother has taught me to never let anyone walk all over me, be strong, and stay true to what I believe in. (Amongst a million other valuable things!) When it comes to relationships of any kind, I believe in trust, care, there will be conflict (yes, this is inevitable), resolution should follow (whatever resolution it may be), and most of all, love. There has been little trust, care, and resolution with higher levels of conflict and love. And THAT is why the cold shoulder is my decision.

Note: Thoughts are welcome. Tell me I’m wrong, tell me I’m right, tell me something I’m missing. My ears are open!

Extra note: Thanks to my support group. You know who you are.

Living Life Vicariously…Through Technology.

Hello again bloggers and blog readers! It’s been a tad bit difficult to keep up with this aspect of social media, however twitter and facebook continue to remain at my fingertips at all times. How sad is that? Its like no matter how much my real life is in play, I always find some way to avert myself from the real and focus on facebook, twitter, instagram, snapchat, youtube, vine, (did I miss anything?), gaming, or even texting. I really have an issue with that.

The more I think about it I realize that the way we communicate with one another comes mostly through technology. Most of everything we do is through a computer or phone screen. Not only communication but also work and school. Computers and other technology have been created for human convenience; no more hand writing things such as notes or reminders (of course, its all based on personal preference) when you could type it and or set an alarm to let you know when to ex: brush your teeth, cook dinner, or go to an appointment. Okay, maybe some of those are a little over the top… Regardless, we are so VERY reliant on technology that our brains have become somewhat incompetent to remind ourselves, how to write or address a letter, etc. Such a shame.

The other day, while browsing through my instagram feed (big shocker there) while walking through campus (even bigger shock…sarcasm), I found this picture:

I was blown away. Immediately I hit the home button of my phone and turned the screen off only to put my phone as deep as I could back into my teeny tiny purse. What has life come to? Looking around there were hardly any groups of people walking together. Mostly everyone walking around had their face glued to their smartphone, listening to music as they walked or talking on the phone. Suddenly it was like I felt all alone in the middle of campus which was swarming with students who were mostly looking at their phones – not watching where their steps were leading them. I would be a hypocrite to say that I have never done that before or even to say that I don’t still do it.

It’s a scary SCARY thought that we could all be missing out on opportunities simply because we are so glued to our phones, computers, or tablets. I mean, maybe I’m missing out on something this very moment while sitting here typing this somewhat hypocritical blog on my computer, eyes glued to the screen only looking away to check my phone. (Imagine that.)

Personally, my life changed the instant I got my iPhone. It was like a whole new world opened up in the palm of my hand; I now owned a teeny tiny computer – facebook, twitter, and instagram were my three new constant obsessions. I had easier access to update my status, post or edit photos, chat with friends, and tweet whatever random thought that would come to my brain. I can guarantee that I’m not the only person on the face of the earth who had this same experience. So let’s think about this, what kind of events could we all be missing out on simply because we can’t stop looking at these tiny boxes of light and distraction?

Bulding in real life (IRL) relationships with old and potentially new friends, maybe some are missing out on just leaving the house, getting exercise, or ruining current relationships. Who is really to say? (I mean, I’m just a 22 year old who likes to talk about crazy topics like my opinion really matters.) We don’t know what we’re missing if we simply miss whatever it is. Life has no rewind button.

Why is social media so important? Does it really matter who sees your friendship with your best friend, boyfriend, or family? Is it really necessary to show your religious and or political beliefs on social media? It’s your business which some people really don’t need to know. Let’s be real, most people don’t creep on our social media to “oooh” and “ahh” at what we’re doing. A lot of the time it’s to get into business where we don’t belong or compare how bad someone else’s life is to our own. We’re some awful creatures sometimes!

Now, I’m not saying that social media is ALL bad. Of course it’s great to keep in touch with friends and family who may live in a different area of the country than you do. That’s one of the few positives that I can see from it.

I’ve really kind of strayed away from my original idea of this blog (that happens a lot) but at least it all still ties together, right? Right.

Life moves incredibly fast. Please don’t get old and think, “I wish I would have done (insert a desire here).” Maybe you’re missing opportunities simply because you’re on your damn phone or computer. Nobody should live their life with their face completely glued to a screen. Get out of your room, out of your house, and make some real friends. Don’t fully rely on technology to find friends, get a job, or entertain yourself. There are so many options out there. LOOK AROUND. REALIZE WHAT YOU’RE POTENTIALLY MISSING!! Go on a date, talk to that guy/girl that you may not think you would have a shot with. Get to know them on a personal level, IRL. Not URL via facebook, twitter, and especially not instagram. Ride a bike, fly a kite, learn to rock climb; whatever it is, get out and do something! Put your phone down, and live your life. Take chances, challenge yourself in any way you can. Just get off your phone, and LIVE!

Ferris Bueller said it best:

He lived one kick ass day without fully devoting it to a computer or a phone (I’m fully aware of the different era) [minus the hilarious phone calls and changing his academic records. Such a genius.].

What I’m trying to say is take advantage of your life. You only get one! Do something crazy (within reason). Technology is mainly a distraction. Live your life. Love your life. Embrace the real! I’ll be making some adjustments myself.

-Liv

The Misfit(s).

Do you ever want to let the world know about something but there’s always something getting in the way? Maybe it’s embarrassment, fear, or you’re just plain ashamed. Well here’s the thing; I’m slowly but surely learning to love my life whether it’s my rocky past, totally weird present, or blurry future. I’ve come to terms with the idea that the future can’t be predicted, the present is a precious gift, and the past can’t be changed. That’s life. You have to move on, deal with it, get over it, and any other way you can say just to live life and be happy. Everyone has rough patches, awesome moments, and occasionally those little “bleh” periods.

So I’m sitting here typing and preaching (I swear there’s a point). This post is about a personal topic that’s always tugged on my heartstrings. Growing up I always knew that I was kind of different. (Weird, not normal, odd, strange). Or as my mom would call it, “unique.” (I’ll take that!) But I wasn’t the only one who recognized that I was a little different, a little weird, or a little odd; my peers noticed it too. This all began around the third grade. How old are you in third grade? I don’t remember. Anyway, yes, my classmates and “friends” definitely noticed. In my brain it wasn’t a bad kind of different. Just different. I was cool/content with it but I vividly remember that other people weren’t. This didn’t stop for a long time. No, it lasted up until high school started.

I don’t want to pull the whole, “I was bullied” card. But. I’m going to. Kids are f*cking mean. I don’t know if they mean to be, if they think it’s okay or funny but it’s the reality of kids. Just to clarify, I was never physically beat up or anything. It was all just emotional. I know, I know, if nobody even put their hands on me, why even bring it up? Well that’s the thing. Emotional bullying is the same damn thing, if not worse.

I won’t be giving a detailed play by play of every little thing that happened (but yes, I do remember who did what and what grade we were in) because that would take way too long and it would be petty of me. Having said that, all names will be kept to myself but there will be a few actual events spilled. But only a few. Maybe only a couple. It depends on how much I can think about it without bringing tears to my eyes. While I still get sad about it all, I have learned to deal with it. My past has fully shaped me into the person I am today, the good and the bad qualities that I possess. Let this be clear now that I am NOT asking for sympathy nor an apology from anyone. This is simply to continue to remind myself to let go, move on, and that everything, good and bad, absolutely happens for a reason.

Growing up I never had a steady group of friends. At least that weren’t boys. For some reason I’ve never really clicked with girls for longer than a few weeks at a time. I learned this in the fourth grade when I was “tossed” from one small clique to the other. [Side note: my class from kindergarten to the eighth grade was approx. 16 kids.] And if I wasn’t in with the “popular” girls or the “slightly popular” girls, I was chillin’ with the boys which is where I found my lifetime best friend Colton. (Later I learned that with the boys is the best place to be. Less drama.) I said I wouldn’t get specific so, I won’t. But when you feel unaccepted and cry to your mom every day at home or cry on the walk home about not fitting in, you begin to wonder if you’ll ever actually be accepted by anyone, you wonder if you’ll ever have friends or even deserve them. At least I did. [This was literally my life.]

This whole back and forth bull sh*t I was going through also lasted until I went to high school and found nicer/truer friends. But it didn’t stop at that. There were rumors, false accusations, and the ever popular, being dropped from a clique at any moment for no particular reason. Bitches. In the fifth grade it was rumored that I had “a dick” (are you f*cking kidding me?), the eighth grade I supposedly “called (girl name) a whore” and her parents came to my home to yell at me and tell me I was a bad kid. My mom put an end to that quickly by telling the mom to quit (literally) pointing her finger in my face. I was also called a “goth” for expressing myself through punk rock music, wearing band tees, Chuck Taylors, and painting my fingernails black. Has anyone ever heard of expressing yourself!?

While this all sounds pretty intense for middle school girls, I’m happy to say that it did die down in high school. I made friends within my own “cliques” such as cheerleading and band (yep, I’m a nerd.) My friends really weren’t part of a clique though. I generally made friends with different types of people. It was so nice! I felt accepted. The cheer squad was a whole different story. Most of the time we were at each other’s throats but in the end we were still friends. Sometimes the estrogen levels got a little too high! 😉

Upon coming to college friends haven’t been an issue. Sure, there are times where I still feel like something is lacking but I think the real problem is getting too comfortable with where I am to appreciate the good that’s going on.

I joined a sorority freshman year and found it wasn’t for me. It felt a little too (I don’t mean for anyone to get offended here) “clique-y” for me. The whole sisterhood thing is really awesome and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it but like I said, it just wasn’t for me. I found my very best girl friend Kim at work and I’m so blessed that we’ve never had a falling out!

Life is a huge learning lesson and I think I’ve said that as the ending of each post but I can’t express how much I live by that idea. Through my childhood hardships I’ve learned that there will always be people you don’t like and people who don’t like you. That’s just how it is. I’ve also learned how to choose my friends and weed out all the people who don’t care as much about you as you do them. More importantly, I’ve learned to accept my weird. Embrace it! Be who I want to be and enjoy what I do. Be happy being myself. After all, I’m stuck with me until I die! To everyone reading: young, my age, or old, always remember to be yourself. You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.

-Liv